145.8 Bring on the New Year

Meh, not too bad considering last night’s carbo load. I’m ready to hit the ground running in the New Year. Well not literally running because that may well kill me but at least walking at a fast pace.  New Years with the fam tonight and I actually don’t feel like drinking (shock horror gasp!). In fact I think I’d much rather stay home, but if I do that I risk offending my mother who’s had her party planned for ages and I don’t want to upset her, so we’ll drag our asses to her ‘Rags to Riches” themed party, I’ll get dressed to the nines (yay!) and stay up until midnight.

Today I’m tying up loose ends. Editing the last of 2011’s photos, cleaning the house and getting pumped to attack the New Year with gusto.

Have a good one.

xo

145.6 I’m Calling it a Loss

Not a huge loss but a loss none the less, if I compare it to this time last week. Tomorrow’s tale may be a little different. Can everyone say Carb Coma? That’s what I’ve got to look forward to after tonight’s beer and pizza extravaganza. Homemade beer and homemade pizza. Beer from grain, handmade dough cooked in a woodfired backyard oven. It’d be hard for anyone to resist right? (btw, this space bar is shitting me to tears. You can’t tell that I have to slam it down between every word because…………well because I do! But that doesn’t stop it from , driving me mad!) Sorry about that where was I? Oh yeah, the carb coma. It’s-a-comin’ I can feel it in my waters.

New years eve tomorrow! Here’s to resolutions and all that crap. I plan to be back before the year is out but just in case I’m not. Hope everyone has a great time and gets up to as much mischief as possible. Afterall that’s what it’s all about.

xo

145.9 Still Wearing the Lace

And this morning it feels better. I’m feeling more empowered again. Still sick of this yo-yo of emotions. It could be a hormonal thing. Who know’s? I don’t keep track of that stuff anymore. I’m not having any more babies so why bother? Although considering the way I felt yesterday I’m assuming my period can’t be far away.

Got woken up by the most awesome storm this morning. Thunder and lightening that felt like it was right outside my bedroom window. Mother nature at her finest.I loooooove a good storm! So the day is gloomy but I refuse to let my mood be. I’m enjoying my morning cup of tea and struggling with deciding what to have for breakfast. I think I’ll go and do some housework first and then decide. Today is a day for rainy day activities with my little man. There’ll be Wii action for sure and maybe some cooking. My little chef loves to cook and I do have some smoked salmon in the fridge that needs to be used. I’m sure we can come up with some kind of fabulous lunch creation.

Hope you all have a wonderful day!

xo

Where is the Love?

Sitting here in lacy underwear I feel like a fraud. During a recent holiday shopping frenzy I found some sexy lingerie in my size. Nothing tacky or trashy and nothing with a bloody plus sized g-string. Seriously who the hell ever wants to see a fat chick in a g-string? Wrong on so many levels. I used to love myself. 20kg’s ago I loved myself. I’ve always been confident within myself but slowly over the past couple of years that feeling has disappeared. I still portray that attitude. I hope I’m doing it convincingly for the outside world but I’m sure that those closer to me have noticed the difference.

I’m lucky enough to have a partner who loves me no matter what I look like but because of the way I feel about myself our sex life has taken a dive and that’s certainly something he’s noticed. I hate it when he touches me because I feel like he must be disgusted by me and if he doesn’t touch me then of course it must be because I’m disgusting and he couldn’t possibly be attracted to me. Any wild positions have gone out the window. Even me on top doesn’t happen anymore a) because I feel like I’m going to squash him and b) Because I feel keep imagining how I must look doing that. I keep flashing back to those cards I used to see in the novelty shops of the fat chicks in their underwear. You know the kind you give someone for a joke? I remember seeing those as a teenager and saying to my Mum ‘If I ever look like that, kill me. How could anyone let themselves get that fat?’. Well now I know. Slowly but surely, it’s not that hard to do. Especially when you’ve been fat your whole life anyway. And even more so when your weight has never really affected you in a negative way. It’s very easy to not see what you’re doing to yourself until it’s too late.

There’s a few obesity myths to dispel. Not every obese person sits on the couch eating junk food all day every day. Not every obese person struggles to walk up the stairs or to the clothesline. Not every obese person is lazy. Do I eat too much? Yes. Do I exercise too little? Absolutely but am I lazy? Far from it. I weigh 146kg and the last time I did a full hour-long aerobics class was 4 weeks ago. About two months ago I swam 20 laps of our local pool without any trouble and while I don’t claim be stupid enough to proclaim myself fit, I can say without a doubt that anyone who passed me on the street without knowing me sure wouldn’t expect me to be able to do those things.

Despite the good stuff, I don’t feel like I used to. I don’t love myself like I used to. I’m angry with myself for allowing myself to get to this point. I know exactly what I need to do about it but I swing from feeling motivated to falling in a heap and not wanting to bother. It’s a horrible yo-yo of feelings.

The cancer freak out has been worse than ever and I hate it. I hate being pessimistic. I used to be so positive about everything but I feel like I’m spiralling down into a big pool of negative vomit and  I can’t get back up again. It’s not like this every day thank God but then I have days like today when all I want to do is cry and wallow in self-pity but I’ve got no-one to blame but myself.

Tonight when I was getting dressed after my shower I decided to put on the underwear that came with my lingerie set because I was feeling a that way inclined. I regretted it almost immediately. There was a fleeting moment when I forgot what I must look like. I like the way the lace feels all risqué against my butt but the minute I sat back down on the couch to finish watching a movie before bed and my stomach threatened to fall out over the top, it was all over.

So now I’m sitting here in supposedly sexy underwear with my stomach still threatening to spill over the top and the only thing I’m inspired to do is write this blog post about how uninspired I’m feeling. Ironic?

xo

146.3 Thank-you Christmas!

So it’s all over for another year and although I tried and failed and now know beyond a doubt that I could never love the Kindle we had a lovely day. The look on Master H’s face when he exclaimed “Mum, Christmas is the best day EVER!” was enough to make up for all the crappy presents in the world.

The food was insane. You already know about the breakfast spread, suffice to say the rest of the day tried hard to live up to its reputation. Despite eating until I was going to burst I still managed to consume enough alcohol to make me regret it for the better part of Boxing Day.

The afternoon and night were filled with family fun and banter. We had a few good friends over and a couple of Christmas orphans. We ate , drank, swam, danced and fell asleep in the early hours of the morning sated. The next day however, was one of cricket and refreshing swims and not wanting to think about food.

Yesterday there came a belated Christmas miracle of  sorts! About 18 mths ago we started some renovations. We installed a  brand new kitchen, built a big ass deck for entertaining and moved one of the lounge room walls outward to give us more space. I’ve been waiting for the painting to happen ever since. D and I were at a bit of a stalemate about it. He insisted I could  do it since I’d painted all of the bedrooms a couple of years beforehand  and I was adamant that we would wait until we could pay a professional. As hard as I tried I still made a bit of a mess in the bedrooms and there was no way I wanted to rest of the house to look like that. Not that it was really terrible just that I’m a bit of a perfectionist and didn’t want to be sitting in the lounge looking at all the faults day in day out. Eventually we came to a compromise. D who had always maintained that he would NEVER pick up a paint brush, agreed to help to save paying someone. So yesterday we bit the bullet and undercoated. I did the majority of the work. All of the brush work in the joins and most of the rolling but I left the cutting in up to D. He took on the challenge with gusto! At first anyway. After it took him about 1/2 and hour to cut in around one set of glass sliding doors he was ready to ask for professional help. Ha WINNING! At least they’ll have to whole house done in a day or two and I won’t have to look at the mess for weeks on end while we do it bit by bit!

For every poor sucker who had to go back to work today, I’m sorry. For those like me who have the rest of the week off, enjoy every minute of it. I plan to use it to catch up on all those little jobs that I don’t get time for during the work week. It’s OK to Spring clean in the summer right?

Oh in other news, there’s a cyclone heading out way, so tomorrow may be kind of windy :O. I’ll let you know how it goes.

xo

146.pissed off

Otherwise known as 146.0 Merry Christmas!

Feeling ridiculously full after the insane breakfast spread my sister put on this morning. Bacon, eggs, pancakes, hashbrowns, fruit platter, freshly baked croissants (her husband is a baker), mushrooms, fried tomatoes, english muffins and all the condiments. I can almost feel my arteries clogging as I type. But it was soooo good. Thank God it’s only once a year.

Once again I’m suffering from gift disappointment. Don’t hate me. I absolutely know that Christmas is not about the gifts and I was so thankful to have my entire family around the table this morning but let me explain. I’ve known for a while what D was getting me. You see he was silly enough to tell my sister who in turn refused to tell me but did drop a couple of hints and because I’m psychic like that I knew instantly what it was and was instantly disappointed. The mystery gift? A Kindle. He was so proud at having come up with the idea all by himself that my sister told him that he should get it so as not to hurt his feelings. The tangled web that ensued with the intention fo trying to save his feelings from being hurt has only made it worse and ruined Christmas for the both of us.

After he asked my sister, just to be sure he asked one of my good friends. Knowing exactly how I feel about such sacrilegious devices, she told him under no circumstances should he buy me an e-reader of any kind. See I love my technology. I love my, laptop, I love my desktop,I love, love LOVE my iPhone and  I’m a photographer by trade so I love to keep up with all the latest software and gadgets in that regard so it sort of makes sense right? But do you know what else I love? BOOKS. I’m in a bookclub and can’t wait to get a new book every month. I love the way they smell, love the way they feel and love to fall asleep with a book on my chest. I’m terrified of the extinction of such simple pleasure and therefore am anti e-reader. How could a man who has lived with me and loved me for almost 10 years still get it so wrong so often? That’s what hurts me the most. But still, he’s done this before, quite a few times actually and I usually always end up telling him how I feel and he’s devastated. After receiving the negative news from my friend he was so sad. The disappointment in his eyes as he was asking me for some suggestions for my gift because he had apparently got it wrong again was horrible and I wanted to save him from that heartache. So I asked my friend to call him and tell him she’d re-evaluated the situation and that he should go ahead and buy the Kindle.

My plan was for once in my life to act happy and tell him I loved it no matter how I felt and then try my hardest to use it from time to time to make him feel good. Unfortunately not everything went according to plan. See a few days ago I was reading someone’s blog and came across a give away for the Kindle Fire. Knowing that he was supposedly getting me some new fandangled version of the Kindle that hadn’t yet been released in Australia I did some research and decided that this must be it! Top of the line colour, screen, not only an e-reader but a tablet , it was surely something I could love. I could use it to read magazines, I’m fine with that, I could put it on the kitchen bench for recipe’s instead of using my laptop. It could be my iPad without spending money on an iPad. I couldn’t justify the expense for such a frivolous want. I began to get excited about my prospective Christmas present. Fast forward to today, I’m excited that I don’t have to pretend to be happy! The kids open their presents and it’s finally my turn, I tear off the paper to find a………Kindle Touch. Black and white screen pure e-reader. I don’t know how good a job I did at hiding my disappointment. I told myself I’d learn to love it but there’s just no denying the fact that I DON’T WANT TO!. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I’m just so tired of getting stuff I don’t want. Why can’t the man just listen? I love him, I really do and I know he thinks he’s doing great. He thinks and plans so carefully and researches the best of the best but he doesn’t listen. To me anyway. If he did, he’d know what I want. He’d know I hated e-readers. The year I was desperate for my first DSLR he would have bought me one instead of the FUJI compact he deemed was better. The year he bought me a DVD player and an amp system for the lounge room wouldn’t have happened either. Our first year together he bought me fishing rod. This I can forgive because a. It was our first year together and b. He is a man after all and our brains are wired differently yada, yada, yada and I know that which is why I forgive him time and time again. Have I ever explained this listening concept to him? You betchya. About a thousand times. The year after the fishing rod my sister had a word in his ear and he got me jewellery! Hallefreakin’ lujah! You can’t go wrong with that. And this one time I was really sick of it so I gave him a list to buy off. I got what I wanted that year and it was wonderful. A person would think that outpouring of genuine joy in response to my gift would have clued him in for future birthday’s and Christmases but apparently not.

Sorry for the whiny bitchiness but if I didn’t get it out somewhere I might have just ended up telling him exactly how I feel. He already feels like shit because it doesn’t live up to his expectations. He went to the trouble fo getting a friend of a friend in the States to buy it and send it because he wanted one that wasn’t released in Australia yet. He was expecting something great (ie. Kindle Fire) but for some crazy reason he didnt’ research like he normally does and left it up to his friend. Guess what other Kindle isn’t yet released in Australia. Can you guess? Go on have a stab at it……….drum roll please………Kindle Touch. Nothing spectacular about it other than the fact it has a touch screen and  you can turn the pages buy touching almost anywhere on the screen. That’s it. As far as I can tell. That’s the big deal. Why the hell they are making Australia wait for that is beyond me. With the plethora of other e-readers on the market do they really think Aussies are going to rush the stores for that? For a minute I got excited at the prospect that he might send it back and get me the Fire instead but no such luck. He did offer but the gutwrenched look on his face as he did made me say no so I’m my own worst enemy. Fuck! Gift giving shouldn’t be this hard. Gift receiving certainly shouldn’t be this hard. I should just be thankful I got anything at all, but disappointment is disappointment no matter how old and wise you are and I’m not the best liar.

On the plus side. We should have a lovely family afternoon with amounts of food I don’t even want to think about while I still feel this full from breakfast and there is a keg of vodka, lime and soda with my name on it that should spark up proceedings just a tad.

Hope you get everything you dream of and more

xo

146.6

WTH? Anywho………….the silly season is upon us. Christmas drinks here last night for D’s work and today will be spent cleaning up and preparing for Christmas Day! Is it crazy to want to have clean sheets on everyone’s beds and a pristine house to go to sleep in on Christmas Eve?

I can’t wait for tomorrow morning to see Master H’s face light up when he opens his presents!! Miss V (16) bargained with me earlier in the year to have my Nikon D90 for her early birthday and Christmas present. I was ready to upgrade anyway so I relented and she was ecstatic however it’s a bit sad all round that she doesn’t get to open any presents tomorrow. She’ll get bits and pieces in her stocking of course but it’s not the same.

We do have one slight hiccup going to happen today when we have to shatter Miss V’s world after discovering yesterday mountain of lies that have been told recently. No doubt she’ll still hate us tomorrow but that life when you’re parenting teens. Should make things interesting. It wouldn’t be Christmas would it without some kind of family drama going down. It will be the first time in years that myself and my brother and sister have all been together. So I plan to get hideously drunk, eat too much food and be altogether far too merry. Let’s not pretend otherwise, there’s not point.

I just realised this post might seem a bit confusing to anyone who read my first post about having my only child when I was 30. To clarify, I also have 3 step-kids who live with us and I have been parenting as my own for the last 9 years. So even though I  gave birth for the first time 4 years ago, in reality I’ve been a  mother much longer than that.

Best get back to the washing, one set of sheets down , two to go. I can’t promise a post tomorrow, unless I get cheeky and decide to impart some of my drunken wisdom on you all. Otherwise, I’ll be back once celebrations are over with a little more commitment.

Wishing everyone a fantastic Christmas!

xo

145.9?

I’ve had a pee but then a cup of tea so what gives? Decided I like my scales today. If they keep doing this day after day even when I eat as much crap as I did yesterday then I may just keep them around. I’ve considered throwing them in the bin many a time.

And before someone tells me, I know it’s crazy to weigh yourself every day. I know that weight fluctuates wildly from day-to-day depending on a million things like water retention, what time of day it is, what you’ve eaten/drank, whether you’ve been to the toilet and emptied out and if you’re a woman, where you are in your menstrual cycle. Back when I weighed about 110 a dietitian once told me that at my size my weight could fluctuate by up to 2kgs when I’m pre-menstrual. Don’t know how true it is really but I assume he knew what he was talking about.

Anyway my point was, don’t worry I’m not one of these scale obsessed people who’s going to weigh myself every day and freak out if I see a 100g gain. The only weight’s I’m going to pay any attention to are the weekly ones. Daily weights are just a pretty cool blog post titles. Well at least I think so.

First day of holiday’s today! WOOT No more work until Jan 3rd 🙂 Now I get to stay at home and do housework instead. But I also get to spend time with , my favourite little boy on the planet. Can’t wait to see his face Christmas morning.

I had a lovely little Summer Solstice celebration last night with my sister and a couple of other lovely ladies. Sent all of my negativity up in smoke. Here’s hoping the universe was listening. I am feeling quite positive about things today. Mind over matter? Perhaps. But I’ll take the placebo effect. Whatever gets the job done right?

Have a wonderful day everyone. I’m going to get off my arse, do some housework and try to have a better day than yesterday.

xo

146.3

Where to start? I guess the title is a good place. 146.7. What is it?
That is how much I weigh. And I ‘m talking about kilo’s not a measly 146.7 pounds. God if that was all I weighed I’d be doing a naked happy dance up and down the street. But it’s not. It’s 146.7kgs. Which in case you’re struggling with the conversion, suffice to say it’s a fuckload and I feel disgusting for it.

I actually signed up for this blog on November 23rd which was 4 whole weeks ago and it’s only now that I’m getting around to writing the first post. I decided to start this blog to document my journey as I try once again to overcome the fatness.

It is almost Christmas time however so what the fuck am I thinking really? I know I’m going to eat too much and drink too much and feel guilty the whole time I’m doing it. Well maybe I’ll feel guilty for the first few drinks anyhow and then I won’t really care!

A bit of history, because I really should explain myself at least a little bit in the first post. I’ve covered the basics already, so if you’ve read the about me page, you’ll know that I’m 34 and freaking out just a little but about being in my mid 30’s. I’ve always been fat. Yeah yeah , I’m sure there was a time right after I was born that I wasn’t but pictures don’t lie. Pictures tell me I was a fat toddler, a fat preschooler and my memory tells me I was fat my entire schooling life and then of course for my entire adult life so far so what the hell makes me think I can do something about it now?  Despite the fact that I’ve always been fat, I’ve also always been happy, active and confident. I’ve never felt like a fat person on the inside. Sure I put up with a few taunts from the cruel little shits at primary school but I actually found my feet in high school. I had great friends, boyfriends, got good grades, liked to party. Basically had a pretty great time. The trend continued through my twenty’s and even right up to my early 30’s.

When I was 30 my son was born and then everything changed. All of a sudden I felt responsible. Guilty for allowing myself to become this way. I was 130kgs when i fell pregnant with my son. 138kgs when I had him and back down to 126 by the time he was a couple of months old so I can’t blame pregnancy for my problems. If anything it helped somewhat. All that being sick every day made me lose weight for the best part of it and the breastfeeding thing? Hello being able to eat a shitload of food and still lose weight. It’s what’s happened after that that really put the icing on the cake. About two and a half years ago, I jumped on the scales and saw it tweeter at 140kg and freaked the hell out. I bought a treadmill, started exercising every day, eating well and felt great. Before I knew it I’d lost 7kgs! Then we went on a family holiday to New Zealand. While we were my foot became more and more sore. To the point where in the end I couldn’t walk without pain. Once we came home, I went to the Dr. about it who long story short took almost a year to properly diagnose it as a Giant Cell Tumor in the first metatarsal. Causing me immense pain because I was unable to bend my big toe backwards. Think about what your big toe does when you walk people. Consequently I wasn’t able to walk for exercise, which really screwed me up. Then I had surgery to fix the problem which screwed me up for another six months and here I am today. Slowly losing myself in the disgustingness that is my 146.something kg’s. Slowly killing myself with every bit of food I put into my mouth and to top it all off I feel an all too familiar pain in my foot. It’s not too bad at the moment but it will be and I need to help myself before it gets to the surgery stage again.

Did I mention that even though the tumor was benign, it’s left me with a cancer freak out as well. At any given time, my cough is lung cancer, I’m overdue for a pap smear so I must have cervical cancer, by boobs hurt so I must have breast cancer,twinges in my ovaries? Ovarian cancer for sure. Pain in the stomach? Stomach cancer of course.

Really I’m all kinds of fucked up but most of the time I have a pretty good sense of humour about it all. And hopefully I can find some support out there to help me do what I need to do . Ridiculously long first post over. I’ll try not to do it again

xo

 

P.S 146.3 is what the the scale told me I weighed at 6am. Must have been a big morning pee or something.