146.3

Where to start? I guess the title is a good place. 146.7. What is it?
That is how much I weigh. And I ‘m talking about kilo’s not a measly 146.7 pounds. God if that was all I weighed I’d be doing a naked happy dance up and down the street. But it’s not. It’s 146.7kgs. Which in case you’re struggling with the conversion, suffice to say it’s a fuckload and I feel disgusting for it.

I actually signed up for this blog on November 23rd which was 4 whole weeks ago and it’s only now that I’m getting around to writing the first post. I decided to start this blog to document my journey as I try once again to overcome the fatness.

It is almost Christmas time however so what the fuck am I thinking really? I know I’m going to eat too much and drink too much and feel guilty the whole time I’m doing it. Well maybe I’ll feel guilty for the first few drinks anyhow and then I won’t really care!

A bit of history, because I really should explain myself at least a little bit in the first post. I’ve covered the basics already, so if you’ve read the about me page, you’ll know that I’m 34 and freaking out just a little but about being in my mid 30’s. I’ve always been fat. Yeah yeah , I’m sure there was a time right after I was born that I wasn’t but pictures don’t lie. Pictures tell me I was a fat toddler, a fat preschooler and my memory tells me I was fat my entire schooling life and then of course for my entire adult life so far so what the hell makes me think I can do something about it now?  Despite the fact that I’ve always been fat, I’ve also always been happy, active and confident. I’ve never felt like a fat person on the inside. Sure I put up with a few taunts from the cruel little shits at primary school but I actually found my feet in high school. I had great friends, boyfriends, got good grades, liked to party. Basically had a pretty great time. The trend continued through my twenty’s and even right up to my early 30’s.

When I was 30 my son was born and then everything changed. All of a sudden I felt responsible. Guilty for allowing myself to become this way. I was 130kgs when i fell pregnant with my son. 138kgs when I had him and back down to 126 by the time he was a couple of months old so I can’t blame pregnancy for my problems. If anything it helped somewhat. All that being sick every day made me lose weight for the best part of it and the breastfeeding thing? Hello being able to eat a shitload of food and still lose weight. It’s what’s happened after that that really put the icing on the cake. About two and a half years ago, I jumped on the scales and saw it tweeter at 140kg and freaked the hell out. I bought a treadmill, started exercising every day, eating well and felt great. Before I knew it I’d lost 7kgs! Then we went on a family holiday to New Zealand. While we were my foot became more and more sore. To the point where in the end I couldn’t walk without pain. Once we came home, I went to the Dr. about it who long story short took almost a year to properly diagnose it as a Giant Cell Tumor in the first metatarsal. Causing me immense pain because I was unable to bend my big toe backwards. Think about what your big toe does when you walk people. Consequently I wasn’t able to walk for exercise, which really screwed me up. Then I had surgery to fix the problem which screwed me up for another six months and here I am today. Slowly losing myself in the disgustingness that is my 146.something kg’s. Slowly killing myself with every bit of food I put into my mouth and to top it all off I feel an all too familiar pain in my foot. It’s not too bad at the moment but it will be and I need to help myself before it gets to the surgery stage again.

Did I mention that even though the tumor was benign, it’s left me with a cancer freak out as well. At any given time, my cough is lung cancer, I’m overdue for a pap smear so I must have cervical cancer, by boobs hurt so I must have breast cancer,twinges in my ovaries? Ovarian cancer for sure. Pain in the stomach? Stomach cancer of course.

Really I’m all kinds of fucked up but most of the time I have a pretty good sense of humour about it all. And hopefully I can find some support out there to help me do what I need to do . Ridiculously long first post over. I’ll try not to do it again

xo

 

P.S 146.3 is what the the scale told me I weighed at 6am. Must have been a big morning pee or something.

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