Considering I drank two bottles of wine on Australia Day and had two no exercise days this week I’m pretty impressed. I did actually cheat and weigh in midweek because I was feeling really good and couldn’t help myself and was ecstatic to see the scale hit the 142.5 mark. The next day was Australia day and I ate and drank til the wee hours and of course in hangover mode the next day I ate enough bread and meat to feed a small country so I was a bit hesitant to do the Wii Fit weigh in this morning. Before I did the body test I made sure to complete a 1/2hr Biggest Loser Wii workout to see if I could sweat out the weight I was sure I’d gained in the past couple of days. When I was done I changed the disc, stepped on the balance board and nervously awaited the result. I was so happy to see it at 141.something that I played Wii Fit for another 1/2hr and now I finally feel like I’ve made up for the latter half of the week.
Even through the laziness of Friday and the hangover cravings, I meticulously tracked everything I put in my mouth cringing when my weekly bonus points went down to zero and feeling physically ill when I started to eat in to my exercise points. All that hard work. Was that piece of cake I ate last night really worth sacrificing those hard earned points? I mean, I know I had a great week weight loss wise but I know it would have been better if I had been able to resist temptation. Baby steps, baby steps. I truly believe that tracking is the biggest help. It forces you to be accountable for everything that passes your lips. That’s if you’re honest of course, and what’s the point of lying to yourself?
I finally broke down on Friday too and told D how I’ve been feeling about the baby situation. He has a right to know. Even if he doesn’t want to hear it he needs to know how I’m feeling to better understand how I’m acting. He sat here and listened and was visibly upset bey it. Not angry, just upset. I’m not sure whether he was hurt or just hurting with me. He didn’t react other than that but I didn’t ask him to. I know it’s selfish of me to ask him to change his mind on something I so wholeheartedly agreed with at the time. So I didn’t ask him to. Just explained exactly how I’m feeling and explained that I can’t come to terms with the fact that I’ll never have another baby. I’ve decided to work on him a little bit more and see if there’s any remote possibility that he will relent. I would like to take the moral high road and just let it be but I can’t. It means too much to me. I’m pretty sure his desire to have no more children doesn’t cross his mind every single day. My desire to have more does. I may be fighting a losing battle but it’s one that I have to fight. Yes, I could trick him into it, but like I said in my last post, that’s not something my morals would allow me to do. Yes, if I was that desperate I could leave and find someone else but I don’t want to do it with anyone else. I would never be so selfish as to take H away from his father just so I could give him another brother or sister. The only way to do it is to just keep chipping away at D’s armor and hope that he eventually lets it fall. In the mean time I’ll continue on my journey to improve the strength of my body and mind, one day at a time.