141.7 – 5kg’s Down 5 Million to Go!

Considering I drank two bottles of wine on Australia Day and had two no exercise days this week I’m pretty impressed. I did actually cheat and weigh in midweek because I was feeling really good and couldn’t help myself and was ecstatic to see the scale hit the 142.5 mark. The next day was Australia day and I ate and drank til the wee hours and of course in hangover mode the next day I ate enough bread and meat to feed a small country so I was a bit hesitant to do the Wii Fit weigh in this morning. Before I did the body test I made sure to complete a 1/2hr Biggest Loser Wii workout to see if I could sweat out the weight I was sure I’d gained in the past couple of days. When I was done I changed the disc, stepped on the balance board and nervously awaited the result. I was so happy to see it at 141.something that I played Wii Fit for another 1/2hr and now I finally feel like I’ve made up for the latter half of the week.

Even through the laziness of Friday and the hangover cravings, I meticulously tracked everything I put in my mouth cringing when my weekly bonus points went down to zero and feeling physically ill when I started to eat in to my exercise points. All that hard work. Was that piece of cake I ate last night really worth sacrificing those hard earned points? I mean, I know I had a great week weight loss wise but I know it would have been better if I had been able to resist temptation. Baby steps, baby steps. I truly believe that tracking is the biggest help. It forces you to be accountable for everything that passes your lips. That’s if you’re honest of course, and what’s the point of lying to yourself?

I finally broke down on Friday too and told D how I’ve been feeling about the baby situation. He has a right  to know. Even if he doesn’t want to hear it he needs to know how I’m feeling to better understand how I’m acting. He sat here and listened and was visibly upset bey it. Not angry, just upset. I’m not sure whether he was hurt or just hurting with me. He didn’t react other than that but I didn’t ask him to. I know it’s selfish of me to ask him to change his mind on something I so wholeheartedly agreed with at the time.  So I didn’t ask him to. Just explained exactly how I’m feeling and explained that I can’t come to terms with the fact that I’ll never have another baby. I’ve decided to work on him a little bit more and see if there’s any remote possibility that he will relent. I would like to take the moral high road and just let it be but I can’t. It means too much to me. I’m pretty sure his desire to have no more children doesn’t cross his mind every single day. My desire to have more does. I may be fighting a losing battle but it’s one that I have to fight. Yes, I could trick him into it, but like I said in my last post, that’s not something my morals would allow me to do. Yes, if I was that desperate I could leave and find someone else but I don’t want to do it with anyone else. I would never be so selfish as to take H away from his father just so I could give him another brother or sister. The only way to do it is to just keep chipping away at D’s armor and hope that he eventually lets it fall. In the mean time I’ll continue on my journey to improve the strength of my body and mind, one day at a time.

 

 

143.3 and a whole lot of crap I didn’t plan on being in this post

So obviously I haven’t had the best week. Last weekend I was plagued with an ear ache which led to a slump of three consecutive days without exercise which led to me feeling like crap and sitting on the lounge with a tub of Homer Hudson ice-cream wishing the pain away. Then I was angry at myself for allowing myself to do it and before I knew it I was back up to 144.something.  Of course because my planned 21 Day habit making exercise plan went down the drain and this is usually the point at which I would be defeated. So instead I joined WW online and dragged myself out of the doldrums and started again. I didn’t have the greatest week but I was very honest about everything I’d eaten and dutifully entered it into the tracker and managed to get to the end of the week without using my entire weekly points bonus and even snuck  three workouts in. I didn’t weigh myself every day. I knew that staring down at the weight gain every day would only send me further down into my failure spiral and I didn’t want to do that. Instead I forced myself to wait out the whole week and first thing this morning weighed in with the Wii Fit body test. I guess after the week I’ve had an overall loss of 200g lower than my previous low is something I should be happy with. Any downward trend is good, especially since I know I gained during my three day slump but it’s hard to swallow.

In other news I also caved to peer pressure and had a couple of glasses of wine at Bookclub last night. So this blog post seems to be full of failures all round. Sobriety – I’ll drink to that! Seriously though, three whole weeks without a single alcoholic beverage is something to be celebrated! (insert sarcasm clause here)

My household is back to it’s usual buzzing self. After six peaceful weeks the kids arrived home on Friday night and they’re back to school tomorrow. My baby starts kindy this week too. Is it sad that I got teary buying his kindy stuff last week? I’m struggling with some stuff at the moment. Not just the weight loss stuff. I’m slowly coming to realisation that I’m only going to have one child. I’m an emotional wreck. I get choked up about anything that’s the slightest bit sad. I know I made my choices in life and I’m happy for the most part but in my darkest moments I wish I had chosen a different path. I chose D and I don’t regret that for a second. I love him with all my heart but in choosing him I also chose to be a mother to his three kids. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in that role for almost ten years now and I wouldn’t take it back but I knew when I met him that D didn’t really want any more children. In fact he’d had a vasectomy but he was willing to have it reversed for me. At the time I knew the chances that it would work were slim and even though I was desperate to have children I told him and myself that as long as he was willing to try I would be satisfied with that. I knew I would be devastated if I couldn’t have a baby but the fact that he was willing to try proves how much he loves me and I thought I could be ok if it didn’t work. Thankfully it did and three years one miscarriage and a lot of heartache later my master H was born. It was hard at first and now that I look back on it I’m sure there was a bit of post natal depression involved. I was a first time mother who already had three kids! Bringing a brand new baby home to a remote town where I had no family support and D had to go back to work two days later was ridiculously hard. I was a mess but I didn’t realise it. It was during that time that I got the Implanon implant for contraception and then I was a mess for three years straight. It wasn’t until I had it taken out that I realised what a bitch I’d been. It was horrible! I had not patience and was just angry all the time. The smallest things would set off the biggest reaction. I was just one big stress ball and there was no way I would have considered having another baby when I was like that.

I had the implanon taken out a little over a year ago now and it was like someone had flicked a switch. Suddenly I felt normal again. I felt emotions other than anger and frustration and for the first time since H was born I felt the desperate desire to have another baby. I always wanted to be a mother and I’m lucky enough to have been able to experience that although not really in the way I imagined it all those years ago. I thought I could be satisfied with just one but the urge to do it again is overwhelming. I know D doesn’t want any more children and I understand why, he’s done it three times already. I understand that he doesn’t still want kids living at home into retirement (although for the record we’ve still got another couple of years to do it if we wanted ti baby to be an adult by the time he was 65). I understand that going through what we went through with all the stress when H was little probably turns him off the idea even more but it would be different this time. I’m different this time. I’m realistic about what to expect. I know not to get implanon and now my mother and sister both live in this town. Not that i’d want to rely on them of course but family support means everything when you just need an extra couple of hours sleep or a shoulder to cry on.

Ever since I had the implanon taken out, D has been ready to line up for the snip again but I just can’t let him do it. I know I need to come to terms with the fact that I’m not having any more children but try as I might I just can’t do it. I can’t wrap my head around the idea that it’s over. This is it. This is my family and it’s my lot in life and I chose it myself. I’m honest enough to own that. But that doesn’t make it any easier. It breaks my heart every day. There’s not a day that goes by that it doesn’t cross my mind at least once. Even though I’ve always known it was unlikely, there’s always been a glimmer of hope in the back of my mind. I’ve always thought there would be a chance I could change D’s mind but now I know I can’t and I’m trying my hardest to come to terms with that. Even though it breaks my heart and brings me to the point of tears every day. Time is not on my side. I’ll be 35 in a few short months. I know, I know, still young enough to have another baby, but I just feel like there’s so many hurdles to jump to get there and for the first time ever I don’t see it happening every time I think about it my chest tightens just for a second and the lump in my throat rises. Then I do what I’ve always done. Swallow it back down again and get on with my day.

143.something. Keep On Keeping On

Sorry for being MIA the past few days, I’ve had a terrible ear ache and haven’t felt up to anything much. Sucks because I really wanted to complete my 21 consecutive days of exercise but yesterday I just couldn’t do it. I also ate wheat products yesterday for the first time in over a week and decided to join weight watchers online. Until now I haven’t really been following any particular diet, just eating healthier and cutting down on carbs, basically living gluten-free and it’s surprising how easy it’s been. I’ll forgive myself for having a bit of a relapse yesterday it’s what prompted me to follow a more formal diet plan and tracking system. I’ve had success with WW before under the old points system but this new pro-points stuff is a lot more detailed. Hopefully it’ll give the same results though, plus they even have an iPhone app so I can track no matter where I go.

I still haven’t given in to the alcohol temptation and I’m determined to stick it out until the month is through.

Hope everyone in cyberspace is having a better weekend than me.

xo

Tell Me Lies Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

It seems 144 wasn’t a fluke at all! However yesterday afternoon the scales were up 100g probably just to teach me a lesson for being so cocky about it.

Consecutive exercise days – 8 (Including 20 laps at the pool yesterday :D)

Consecutive NSU Food Days – 3 (hopefully 4 at the end of today)

Consecutive Days I wish I didn’t have to go to work – 183million. But I do have to and I will go. Realistically it probably helps a great deal being away from the house with grown ups to keep me company all day.

Cracker of a storm last night. Anyone who knows me will tell you how much I love storms. In fact I’m pretty sure this isn’t the first time I’ve mentioned it here. We didn’t lose power (BONUS) which is surprising because it was right on top of us shaking the house with every rumble of thunder. I even hopped out of bed to sit at the window and watch the light show. I haven’t seen lightning bolts like it in a long time. So annoyed I’m still waiting for a new quick release plate for my tripod because it would have made for some awesome photos.

See you on the flip side.

xo

 

ps. The post title is probably a bit irrelevant now that it turns out the scale wasn’t l;ying afterall but the wong was in my head and what’s in my head is what you get around here to you’re stuck with it. 🙂

 

 

144 Bitches! ( I mean that in the most affectionate way)

Consecutive Exercise days – 7

Consecutive NSU (no slipping up) Food Days – 2

2.7kg’s down since I started this blog and if the scale is lying to me then it can keep telling me those sweet sweet lies. Now I’ve just got to back it up. Nothing is better motivation then watching the numbers go down down down.

I already have more energy and a more positive outlook. Don’t get me wrong, the cancer freak out is still fresh in my mind ( so prevalent I’m considering buying some black salve. Have you heard of that stuff. It looks kinds scary)but I’m confident I can tackle this weight loss thing. 8.5kg to go until I reach the 10kg goal I made for myself when I first stepped on the Wii 7 days ago!! I wonder how much weight I need to lose until I can ditch the blood pressure medication. Considering I was 138kg when i gave birth to my son and I didn’t have high blood pressure throughout my pregnancy I’m hoping it won’t take that much.

Got my new curtains in the mail today, ironed all the work shirts this morning and changed my linen too, achieved so much at work and took my first photo shoot booking for the new year. Bloody good day 😀

xo

 

144.Awesome

About 144.5 actually but 144.awesome sounded much better for a title don’t ya think.

Had a great day today. Rocked it with the food all day long, day 6 of Wii Fit commitment and going strong and still no alcoholic beverages! To top it off we had my favourite fish for dinner, Mangrove Jack, caught fresh on yesterday’s fishing trip. Scrumdidliumptious!!!!!!! We had a great trip out in the boat yesterday. The Jack was the first fish in the boat (caught by D) then I reeled in a nice Cod and a Grunter and D caught a fingermark. 4 fantastic eating fish and with that we headed home. Little H was a bit devo that he didn’t catch anything. Better luck next time little man 🙂 Here’s a couple of pics.

The Jack

and me and my Cod

All in all it’s been a pretty productive weekend. Despite how I felt about myself yesterday, we had a successful fishing trip, today I spent three hours cleaning culling and rearranging master J’s room so it’s sparkling for when he gets home in a couple of weeks and even managed to play a couple of hours of Wii with D and H on top of my fitness stuff this afternoon.

Here’s hoping this continues throughout the week.

xo

21 Days

Someone once told me it takes 21 days to form a habit. In the exercise department I’m at 5 days and going strong. It’s not that hard and since I’ve always been fairly active it’s really nothing that new. Just a matter of committing to a certain amount of activity each day. Food is a whole different story. It’ll be a miracle if i can ever make 21days of eating right without a slip up. It’s the way it’s always been, I’ll go great guns for a couple of days then fall in a heap. Take last night for example. We went to a BBQ for my brother-in-law’s birthday. I didn’t touch a drop of alcohol (yay me!) didn’t snack but when dinner was layed out on the table the soft scotch bread roll and potato bake were just staring me in the face screaming at me to try them and I caved. And they were so so good. The heaping green salad on my plate did nothing to make up for it and I felt guilty with every bite so why the hell did I keep eating it? Every mouthful was on my conscience so what spastic part of my brain allows me to keep putting bite after bite in my mouth? Am I fucking insane?Seriously, why is it so fucking hard??????? How on earth am I supposed to break 34 years of bad habits?

At least I’m picking myself back up again and not letting it defeat me. I should have posted yesterday with a joyous 144.something title and a wii Fit age of 28! Today’s body test has me up by 600g and I didn’t even bother to check my age. So here I sit, hovering at 145.something ready to try again tomorrow. I think I need a vision board or at the very least a 21 day chart on my fridge. In fact i think I’ll make one right now.

xo

145.something – Just Keep Swimming

After a few really good days in a row, I’m pretty disappointed with myself today. I gave into my bread craving and made toast and also had a piece of that bloody cheesecake. If D doesn’t eat the rest of it tonight I’m going to throw it in the bin tomorrow. So now I feel like crap despite the fact that I’ve had a pretty active morning – Bike ride to my sister’s house with Master H, then rode to the park and came home and had a swim. I will wii Fit this afternoon but my stomach feels bloated and I feel like crap. Just gotta push through it and keep swimming. It’s time like these that are the easiest to give up. Once you fall, it’s very easy to stay defeated but I refuse to do that to myself this time.

I was watching a show called My Naked Secret earlier that showed a woman who was disgusted with the excess skin on her body after weight loss. I know that if i achieve my goal I’ll have the same problem and it freaks me out!I guess I’ll cross that bridge if and when I come to it. In the mean time I’ll just keep plugging along and try as hard as I can. It’s all I can ask of myself.

xo

 

 

145.something Because wii Fit Won’t Tell Me

So if anyone does know how to see you’re exact weight on wii Fit please let me know.

From that it’s pretty obvious that I wii Fitted (is that even a term?) today. I used to go to my sister’s house many moons ago and Wii Fit with her but I finally have my own balance board thanks to a super fit friend of mine who was going to give hers to goodwill. ‘Excuse me, excuse ME!” I said, “I’ll have that thank-you very much!” So I took it and now it’s mine all mine! Too many exclamations in one paragraph? Oh well! I like ’em! lol

Where was I. Right so, I did 34 minutes of wii Fit this afternoon after work. I made myself do it when I felt like crap and of course now I feel better. I’ve been pretty good foodwise today too. I did relent and have a small piece of that evil passionfruit cheesecake in my fridge when I got home from work which of course made me feel even more like crap, but for the rest of the day I was and angel 🙂

Now I have steak and salad on the menu for dinner. Something quick and easy since it’s a work day. I am going to roast the Cherry Tomatoes to make them even yummier *licks lips*

I’m thinking I might have to ditch the daily weight in the title idea since I probably shouldn’t weight myself on two different devices all day and if I commit to do it on the Wii Fit I’ll be forced to at least turn it on every day which in turn will make me feel guilty if I don’t exercise so it should be a win win situation!

Had a productive first day back at work but am cursing the boss for coming to work with the flu. She’d better keep her germs to herself. I can not afford to be all sick and lazy right now.

xo

p.s No alcohol today YAY ME!

146.3 Back to work tomorrow

Ahh, so the holiday is over . I spent today cleaning, making the passionfruit cheesecake I’ve been promising D I’d make since we picked the passionfruit last week. So yeah, that’s going to be great to have in the fridge for the next week (insert sarcasm clause here).

Seriously though, I feel refreshed, we went swimming with the littlest man and this afternoon made salami, which thankfully after seeing the entire process and having to stare at wet cows intestines for an hour makes me want to vomit so there’s no chance I’ll be eating the once it’s cured. I think the smell is burned into my sinuses for ever after.

Of course I’m not looking forward to going back to work. Lots of challenges lie ahead for the new year both professional and personal. Today I set myself a personal challenge of not drinking a drop of alcohol for one whole month. That’s going to take some willpower.

I’m off to make a dinner menu for the rest of the week to help me stay on track. Don’t know what’s wrong with the scales today :/