143.3 and a whole lot of crap I didn’t plan on being in this post

So obviously I haven’t had the best week. Last weekend I was plagued with an ear ache which led to a slump of three consecutive days without exercise which led to me feeling like crap and sitting on the lounge with a tub of Homer Hudson ice-cream wishing the pain away. Then I was angry at myself for allowing myself to do it and before I knew it I was back up to 144.something.  Of course because my planned 21 Day habit making exercise plan went down the drain and this is usually the point at which I would be defeated. So instead I joined WW online and dragged myself out of the doldrums and started again. I didn’t have the greatest week but I was very honest about everything I’d eaten and dutifully entered it into the tracker and managed to get to the end of the week without using my entire weekly points bonus and even snuck  three workouts in. I didn’t weigh myself every day. I knew that staring down at the weight gain every day would only send me further down into my failure spiral and I didn’t want to do that. Instead I forced myself to wait out the whole week and first thing this morning weighed in with the Wii Fit body test. I guess after the week I’ve had an overall loss of 200g lower than my previous low is something I should be happy with. Any downward trend is good, especially since I know I gained during my three day slump but it’s hard to swallow.

In other news I also caved to peer pressure and had a couple of glasses of wine at Bookclub last night. So this blog post seems to be full of failures all round. Sobriety – I’ll drink to that! Seriously though, three whole weeks without a single alcoholic beverage is something to be celebrated! (insert sarcasm clause here)

My household is back to it’s usual buzzing self. After six peaceful weeks the kids arrived home on Friday night and they’re back to school tomorrow. My baby starts kindy this week too. Is it sad that I got teary buying his kindy stuff last week? I’m struggling with some stuff at the moment. Not just the weight loss stuff. I’m slowly coming to realisation that I’m only going to have one child. I’m an emotional wreck. I get choked up about anything that’s the slightest bit sad. I know I made my choices in life and I’m happy for the most part but in my darkest moments I wish I had chosen a different path. I chose D and I don’t regret that for a second. I love him with all my heart but in choosing him I also chose to be a mother to his three kids. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in that role for almost ten years now and I wouldn’t take it back but I knew when I met him that D didn’t really want any more children. In fact he’d had a vasectomy but he was willing to have it reversed for me. At the time I knew the chances that it would work were slim and even though I was desperate to have children I told him and myself that as long as he was willing to try I would be satisfied with that. I knew I would be devastated if I couldn’t have a baby but the fact that he was willing to try proves how much he loves me and I thought I could be ok if it didn’t work. Thankfully it did and three years one miscarriage and a lot of heartache later my master H was born. It was hard at first and now that I look back on it I’m sure there was a bit of post natal depression involved. I was a first time mother who already had three kids! Bringing a brand new baby home to a remote town where I had no family support and D had to go back to work two days later was ridiculously hard. I was a mess but I didn’t realise it. It was during that time that I got the Implanon implant for contraception and then I was a mess for three years straight. It wasn’t until I had it taken out that I realised what a bitch I’d been. It was horrible! I had not patience and was just angry all the time. The smallest things would set off the biggest reaction. I was just one big stress ball and there was no way I would have considered having another baby when I was like that.

I had the implanon taken out a little over a year ago now and it was like someone had flicked a switch. Suddenly I felt normal again. I felt emotions other than anger and frustration and for the first time since H was born I felt the desperate desire to have another baby. I always wanted to be a mother and I’m lucky enough to have been able to experience that although not really in the way I imagined it all those years ago. I thought I could be satisfied with just one but the urge to do it again is overwhelming. I know D doesn’t want any more children and I understand why, he’s done it three times already. I understand that he doesn’t still want kids living at home into retirement (although for the record we’ve still got another couple of years to do it if we wanted ti baby to be an adult by the time he was 65). I understand that going through what we went through with all the stress when H was little probably turns him off the idea even more but it would be different this time. I’m different this time. I’m realistic about what to expect. I know not to get implanon and now my mother and sister both live in this town. Not that i’d want to rely on them of course but family support means everything when you just need an extra couple of hours sleep or a shoulder to cry on.

Ever since I had the implanon taken out, D has been ready to line up for the snip again but I just can’t let him do it. I know I need to come to terms with the fact that I’m not having any more children but try as I might I just can’t do it. I can’t wrap my head around the idea that it’s over. This is it. This is my family and it’s my lot in life and I chose it myself. I’m honest enough to own that. But that doesn’t make it any easier. It breaks my heart every day. There’s not a day that goes by that it doesn’t cross my mind at least once. Even though I’ve always known it was unlikely, there’s always been a glimmer of hope in the back of my mind. I’ve always thought there would be a chance I could change D’s mind but now I know I can’t and I’m trying my hardest to come to terms with that. Even though it breaks my heart and brings me to the point of tears every day. Time is not on my side. I’ll be 35 in a few short months. I know, I know, still young enough to have another baby, but I just feel like there’s so many hurdles to jump to get there and for the first time ever I don’t see it happening every time I think about it my chest tightens just for a second and the lump in my throat rises. Then I do what I’ve always done. Swallow it back down again and get on with my day.

4 thoughts on “143.3 and a whole lot of crap I didn’t plan on being in this post

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