128.9 I Love Baked Beans

Not the disgusting canned variety but my delicious homemade pseudo ‘Baked’ Beans.

Here’s the recipe if you’re interested. Trust me, you will never buy another can of baked beans again.

baked beans

No Bake Beans

Serves 6 (1 250ml cup each) – According the the My Fitness Pal app each serve is worth just under 1000j’s. Not too shabby at all.

  • 3 cans of butter beans, drained (the cans are 400g each but after draining the whole 3 cans equates to 700g of beans)
  • 1 chorizo sausage (126g) diced
  • 2 cans of diced tomatoes
  • 1 onion, chopped
  • 1 tablespoon of coconut oil
  • 1 cup of homemade BBQ sauce ( I used this one)
  • 1 tablespoon of fresh chopped rosemary
  • 1 tablespoon of fresh thyme leaves
  • 2 tablespoons of fresh chopped parsley
  • salt and pepper to taste
  1. Heat the oil in a large frying pan and sauté the onion on a high heat until translucent
  2. Add the chorizo and cook for approx. 1 minute
  3. Store through the beans and cook for another minute or so
  4. Turn the heat down to medium add the tomatoes and BBQ sauce and stir through
  5. Cook for approx. 10 minutes stirring intermittently to make sure it doesn’t stick
  6. Turn the heat down to low, add the herbs and cook for another couple of minutes
  7. Season to serve 🙂

 

In other news, I made the choice to exercise again this morning even though I didn’t want to so you know, kudos to me!

 

 

129.2 Goodbye 130?

think it’s safe to see I’ve seen the last of the 130’s!!

There are a few stress factors in my life right now that would normally have me falling off the wagon and dragging myself back up to get back on a few stops down the track but guess what…..I keep on keepin’ on 🙂 Sunday was a bad day. I wrote about it, I vented about it and I’ve come to realise it was just that – one bad day. It wasn’t the first and it won’t be the last but I got through it and managed to stay on track. Now that I’ve kicked the 130’s to the kerb it’s hard not to get caught up in desperation for the 120’s to disappear. I know it will be a long hard slog. Probably the hardest part yet because I know that once I crack 120 it will make my ultimate goal of getting under 100 seem that much more achievable.

Today is a good day. I’m here and alive and all that jazz so it should go without saying but on top of that I have chicken stock in the slow cooker, dinner in the oven (it’s an amazing Pete Evans recipe I’ve made before but this time I have substituted the pork for beef because it’s what I had), and a Pink Mango and Grapefruit Byron Bay Candle Co. candle burning and my house smells all kinds of amazing.

Leaving you with a saying that rings particularly true these days.

making a big life change

130.05 And Angry

130 is going to torture me forever or so it seems. I'm angry at myself because even though it was within my kj allowance for the day I ate a piece of my son's birthday cake. As I said, it was within my kj allowance and it was a VERY small piece but I'm still pissed at myself for giving in to temptation. Even more pissed that the small amount of sugar I consumed last night has me craving it today. It's been so long since I've craved carbs. I should have known what I was doing to myself. Lesson learned. I hope.

I'm starting to feel like in order to have the strength to do this I'm going to have to become completely selfish. Which turns me into a bitch of epic proportions which is not something I want to be. But it's so fucking hard to watch Dan sit in the lounge room and drink beers when I all I want is to join him. And it's so fucking hard to go out to dinner last night and watch everyone else stuff their faces with deliciously kilojoule laden food while I sit there and nibble on my tiny bit of steak and non starchy vegetables.

I exercised this morning but for the first time in ages I really didn't feel like it. I walked to the cow paddock to feed them this afternoon when all I really wanted to do was take the quad. I guess I should really lighten up and be impressed with myself for making those couple of right choices when the truth is right before we left I stuck my finger in the cake in the fridge and swiped some cream off the top and I am nothing but angry at myself. I've never even really been a sweet tooth but sitting in the fridge in all it's spongy creamy gloriousness while I'm in such a funk today is a dangerous thing.

I can't have this shit in the house. At all. Ever. Most days it's easy to resist but you never know when a day like today is going to sneak up and all hell will break loose. I'm bored, angry and sad (probably pre-menstrual) and everything I used to use as a crutch to make myself feel better is now off limits. I'm stuck in a shed with one teenager who I can't stand to be around right now, one eight year old who has been  defiant little brat all day and a partner who is 100% supportive in spirit but will never understand how hard this is for me. And I don't want to be around anyone on a day like today. I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere and come out when I'm feeling stronger.

On the flip side this morning before I let the funk consume me I made this BBQ sauce. Trust me, it's amazing.

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I also made my fist ever jar of sauerkraut using a recipe in Irena Macri's Eat Drink Paleo Cookbook. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

IMG_7563

129.65 How Did I Get Here?

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Sometimes when I think about the journey I’m on it’s hard not to think about the habits that I developed as a child. I’ve always been a ‘big’ kid. In the picture above I would have been between 2 and 3 years old. Already a little chunk and it only got worse from there. I was the fat kid in grade 1 and kids were cruel but I developed a thick skin and managed to come through the other side with my self esteem relatively unscathed thanks to a family who loved me and a father who despite his many other faults, always told me that I could be anything I wanted to be. I’m thankful that I didn’t believe what the kids said about me and so thankful that I was strong enough in character to stand up for myself. But it wasn’t easy and it’s really hard no to look for someone other than myself to blame.

We didn’t live on junk food. Far from it. Our meals were home cooked and consisted of meat and veggies, dessert at home was only for special occasions so where did it all go wrong? My problem has always been not necessarily what I ate, but how much of it. Portion sizes were large and of course we were always encouraged to finish everything on our plates because we ‘can’t waste it’. I know that there are millions of people across the globe who were in the same situation. How many of us were damaged by being made to eat everything on our plates? And while we didn’t eat a lot of junk food at home, when we were out, if we wanted a treat we only had to ask. To this day my mother still has trouble saying no. I was never told no when I wanted an extra serving or that extra slice of cake. I just wish she had have been a little tougher. I know she was doing the best she knew how. We all do don’t we? She’d never had a weight problem and I remember hearing many times that it’s just ‘puppy fat’ and that I would grow out of it. Well I didn’t. And I grew up never knowing when to stop. Actually, that’s not true. I knew when I should stop. I just didn’t. Habits of a lifetime are the hardest to break. Not to mention I would see all of my friends eating copious amounts of crap and not get fat. We can’t deny that genetics and susceptibility to weight gain play a part. After all, there are 8 kids in my father’s family and half of them are fat. All brought up in the same household the same way, eating the same food so lets not pretend our wonderful genes don’t play a part. But I still wish my mother had been strong enough to say no. A bit of tough love might have saved me from myself.

Even though my son isn’t in the slightest bit overweight he does have half of my genes and who knows whether he will have a tendency to gain weight as he gets older. My childhood experience has given me the drive to do everything in my power to educate him about what is healthy for his body and what is not. He knows very well what ‘sometimes foods’ are and why and I never ever use food as a reward. Trying to find the happy medium between healthy eating and making sure he doesn’t feel deprived of what everyone else seems to be allowed is an uphill battle but we’ll get there.

I have one particular friend who has an overweight child and while I would never interfere in the way she raises her children, I’ve seen the food she buys. I know that there is always junk food in her house. Things like chips, soft drink, chocolate and lollies are pantry staples. I’m sure they don’t eat them all every day, but I would never dream of keeping that kind of food in the house on a regular basis at all. I look at her son and I know he’s bullied at school and I just fail to comprehend why as a parent you wouldn’t be doing everything in your power to change that situation. It makes me so sad. I’m sure when people see me and then see my sons school lunch box and hear me prattling on about the evils of sugar and promoting clean eating they must think I’m a hypocrite of epic proportions. If only they knew. One of the parents in our school community actually scoffs every time someone mentions health food and says half in jest ‘kids need sugar’. It’s infuriating and it takes everything I have to hold my tongue. She may never have had a weight problem and her kids might not either but how can you be so ignorant in this day and age when the obesity epidemic is at an all time high and only on the rise? At the end of the day, I know I can only do what I know is right for my family and hope that everyone else slowly opens their eyes and sees what we are doing to our children.

129.7

So the dietician has asked me to keep a diary. Not a food diary, although I’m really doing that anyway tracking everything I consume with the My Fitness Pal app., but a diary that details how I feel from day to day. Something to celebrate the success and to reflect back on when I’m struggling.

The appointment was great and today I called the surgeons office and officially postponed my surgery until the 29/1. So that gives me around 4 months to prove to myself that I can do this. God I hope so much that the thought of the surgery date lingering there in the not so distant future gives me the strength to keep going.  I’m still feeling positive but I’ve definitely had some negative thoughts in the last day or so. I’ll start with the exciting news, I’d lost 4.1 kgs since my previous appointment (one day shy of three weeks before) and not only that, the body composition analysis tells me that 3.6kg of it was fat and only .5kg was muscle. To top it off I’ve reduced my visceral fat by a good amount. Got to be happy with that. I walked out of there feeling on top of the world, with a new plan in hand and excited about the future. For the next couple of weeks I’ll be transitioning off Optifast. Have two a day this week and adding more real food and cutting down to one a day next week and then the following week cut it out all together. And even though it’s exactly what I want and I’ve tried to prep my head for it, I’m so scared the weight loss will stall because inevitably once I’m back to eating real food full time my kj/cal. intake is going to be higher than it was on Opti and I worry that I’ll stall or even, god forbid, gain some weight while my body adjusts. I’m trying really hard to breathe deep at the moment and tell myself it’s ok and it’s to be expected but it’s a struggle. So while I am most definitely still committed to the journey, for the first time in a while I’m starting to question how long I’ll be able to fight the demons in my head.

I also know I need to kick the daily weigh in habit in a big way. But then what would I use for my post titles? Man I need a drink.

129.9 Today’s the Day

Today’s the day I made it to under 130!!!! It only took 8 years but I’ve officially lost all my baby weight (plus all the extra I’d put on in the years that ensued 🙂 It’s a scary thing because I no longer have any life milestone goals to reach. I don’t recall any particular point in time when I was under 130. In fact I think I pretty much stopped standing on scales between 100 and 130 or if I did I certainly don’t remember it. Plan of attack currently is to take it in 5kg increments and reward myself with little things along the way. Right now I desperately need my hair done but I’m going to hold off until I reach that magical 125 number then go all out.

Today’s also the day I make the postponement of my surgery official. I have a dietician’s appointment today and he’s expecting this to be a 3weeks before surgery appointment to go over the liquid stage for the first two weeks after surgery. I’m actually kind of nervous to tell him I’ve changed my mind but eager to put a plan of attack in place to transition off the Optishit and back onto a clean eating regime without screwing up my metabolism in the process. I’ve been doing it myself for the past few days but want to make sure I have it right and would like to stay in ketosis if possible. This fat burning thing is the bomb and life is good.

130.7 and a bit of a journey

Where was I? Oh that’s right gluten free dairy free blah blah, have a a house to sell blah blah. Well that was a while ago now and while we did sell the house, the gluten and dairy free thing didn’t last long. Other evilness started creeping back in over the course of time as always and you know the rest. BUT this time, I didn’t let it get out of control. I didn’t gain it ALL back. There were a few kg’s to be sure but once I started hovering around the 142/143 mark I sprang into enough action to keep myself stable around there until I was ready to hit this thing head on again. You feel me? You with me? You all know what I mean right? Bit of a joke really lmao (by the way can anyone tell me where the fucking emoticons are around here? I can’t live without emoticons!!) Back to it. If you read the title of this post, you’d know that I have been somewhat successful this time around but it’s hasn’t come easy.

After doing the gluten free dairy free thing for a while, I decided to jump on the paleo bandwagon. Except lets not call it paleo since that particular word seems to send people running for the hills. If instead we say, sugar free, grain free, dairy free people seem to be ok with that. And I haven’t been super strict on the dairy part. Still have milk in my tea and still have one evil coffee a day but other than that I think I’m reasonably awesome. Now I’m not going to start preaching to everyone I can only say what’s worked for me and I’m not even going to pretend that I’m never going to let another grain pass my lips or that I’m never going to get rolling drunk again. But it’s what you do most days that counts right? And right now I’m in a really good place. But it took a while to get here. I even went so far as booking myself in for weightloss surgery.

I’d been doing the (predominantly) paleo thing for a month and lost 5kgs but everywhere around me people I knew where having the gastric sleeve done. I’m not kidding about that, I can count 5 people I know well who have had the surgery in the last year including my sister and brother-in-law and another couple who are booked in and ready to take the leap. Even though I’ve always said I’d never do it, I got caught up in everyone else’s success and even though I was going ok, of course I was doubtful of my ability to keep it up. History dictates that I won’t be able to. I mean how many times have I written a blog post because I’m starting over…..story of my life.

So I read all about it, the good the bad and the ugly, tried to wrap my head around the possible side effects and booked an appointment with the surgeon. I knew that he was going to ask me to go on the Optifast VLC diet before the surgery to reduce fat on my liver. I was prepared. He’d asked my sister to try and lose 10kg before her surgery and stupidly having already lost 5kgs on my own I was hoping that he would ask me to lose another 5. But nope. He asked me to do Optifast for 6-8wks and try and lose another 10-15kg before the surgery. 10-15!!!! I’ve never lost 15kgs in my life ever! I seemed so incredibly daunting but I said I would give it a go and walked out of there booked in to have the surgery on September 7th. I had my appointment on the Wednesday and after giving myself a few days to prep my head, I started the Optifast on the following Monday. Now everyone craps on about how Optifast is the hardest part of the whole process and I’m not gonna lie. It’s not easy. But for me the biggest struggle for the first few days was that after the way I had been eating, putting that crap into my body went against everything I believed about what I should be doing and what my body needed to be healthy. That was honestly the biggest struggle. But I just kept telling myself it was a means to an end and I had to do it if I wanted the surgery. Trouble was, I didn’t want the surgery. I’ve never wanted the surgery. I was doing it because I felt I had to, not because I wanted to. In the 4 weeks after I saw the surgeon, I experienced more self loathing and borderline depression because of my decision to have the surgery that I ever have in my life for being fat. I know I’ve said it before but I have to reiterate because it’s true. I don’t hate myself. I don’t hate myself for being fat. I’ve been this way my whole life and I’m used to it. But I hated that I had conceded defeat and was going to go under the knife to do something I should be able to do myself.  I will never be skinny, I don’t want to be skinny. I just want to be healthy. So last week I made the decision not to go ahead. Not right now anyway. I hope I never have to do it but I’m not going to cancel it, just postpone it until early next year and give myself one last chance at doing this on my own. I owe it to myself. The day I made that decision, I unfollowed the Gastric Support groups I was a part of on FB and refollowed the Paleo groups I had unfollowed after I saw the surgeon and I felt about 10kgs lighter in just doing that. I didn’t realise at the time just how down/depressed I had been about the surgery but the minute I decided not to have it, I cried and cried and cried with relief.

I’m going to continue seeing the dietician the surgeon referred me to. I think it will be helpful to have someone to be accountable to. I never thought I’d say that about a dietician. I’d had a bad experience with a dietician the only other time I tried it (about 20 years ago) and was dreading going but he was great and for the first time I can see the benefit of working with a dietician so I’m excited about that. My next appointment is in a couple of days and I’m going to talk to him about weaning myself off this Optifast crap and back into my clean eating lifestyle. I know that the weightless is going to be slower again and I know that’s normal. It will be hard to see after seeing the weight come off so quickly for the last few weeks but I’m prepared for that. And I know I feel a whole lot happier doing what’s right for me.

I feel the need to point out that while I don’t think weight loss surgery is right for me, that doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing for someone else. I’ve seen enough people experience it to know it’s not the ‘easy’ way out that some people think it is. The weight might come off quickly but it’s still hard. And ultimately you still have to eat right or it won’t be a permanent solution. If you want to do it, more power to ya. I just can’t. Not now anyway and I’m more than ok with that.