130.7 and a bit of a journey

Where was I? Oh that’s right gluten free dairy free blah blah, have a a house to sell blah blah. Well that was a while ago now and while we did sell the house, the gluten and dairy free thing didn’t last long. Other evilness started creeping back in over the course of time as always and you know the rest. BUT this time, I didn’t let it get out of control. I didn’t gain it ALL back. There were a few kg’s to be sure but once I started hovering around the 142/143 mark I sprang into enough action to keep myself stable around there until I was ready to hit this thing head on again. You feel me? You with me? You all know what I mean right? Bit of a joke really lmao (by the way can anyone tell me where the fucking emoticons are around here? I can’t live without emoticons!!) Back to it. If you read the title of this post, you’d know that I have been somewhat successful this time around but it’s hasn’t come easy.

After doing the gluten free dairy free thing for a while, I decided to jump on the paleo bandwagon. Except lets not call it paleo since that particular word seems to send people running for the hills. If instead we say, sugar free, grain free, dairy free people seem to be ok with that. And I haven’t been super strict on the dairy part. Still have milk in my tea and still have one evil coffee a day but other than that I think I’m reasonably awesome. Now I’m not going to start preaching to everyone I can only say what’s worked for me and I’m not even going to pretend that I’m never going to let another grain pass my lips or that I’m never going to get rolling drunk again. But it’s what you do most days that counts right? And right now I’m in a really good place. But it took a while to get here. I even went so far as booking myself in for weightloss surgery.

I’d been doing the (predominantly) paleo thing for a month and lost 5kgs but everywhere around me people I knew where having the gastric sleeve done. I’m not kidding about that, I can count 5 people I know well who have had the surgery in the last year including my sister and brother-in-law and another couple who are booked in and ready to take the leap. Even though I’ve always said I’d never do it, I got caught up in everyone else’s success and even though I was going ok, of course I was doubtful of my ability to keep it up. History dictates that I won’t be able to. I mean how many times have I written a blog post because I’m starting over…..story of my life.

So I read all about it, the good the bad and the ugly, tried to wrap my head around the possible side effects and booked an appointment with the surgeon. I knew that he was going to ask me to go on the Optifast VLC diet before the surgery to reduce fat on my liver. I was prepared. He’d asked my sister to try and lose 10kg before her surgery and stupidly having already lost 5kgs on my own I was hoping that he would ask me to lose another 5. But nope. He asked me to do Optifast for 6-8wks and try and lose another 10-15kg before the surgery. 10-15!!!! I’ve never lost 15kgs in my life ever! I seemed so incredibly daunting but I said I would give it a go and walked out of there booked in to have the surgery on September 7th. I had my appointment on the Wednesday and after giving myself a few days to prep my head, I started the Optifast on the following Monday. Now everyone craps on about how Optifast is the hardest part of the whole process and I’m not gonna lie. It’s not easy. But for me the biggest struggle for the first few days was that after the way I had been eating, putting that crap into my body went against everything I believed about what I should be doing and what my body needed to be healthy. That was honestly the biggest struggle. But I just kept telling myself it was a means to an end and I had to do it if I wanted the surgery. Trouble was, I didn’t want the surgery. I’ve never wanted the surgery. I was doing it because I felt I had to, not because I wanted to. In the 4 weeks after I saw the surgeon, I experienced more self loathing and borderline depression because of my decision to have the surgery that I ever have in my life for being fat. I know I’ve said it before but I have to reiterate because it’s true. I don’t hate myself. I don’t hate myself for being fat. I’ve been this way my whole life and I’m used to it. But I hated that I had conceded defeat and was going to go under the knife to do something I should be able to do myself.  I will never be skinny, I don’t want to be skinny. I just want to be healthy. So last week I made the decision not to go ahead. Not right now anyway. I hope I never have to do it but I’m not going to cancel it, just postpone it until early next year and give myself one last chance at doing this on my own. I owe it to myself. The day I made that decision, I unfollowed the Gastric Support groups I was a part of on FB and refollowed the Paleo groups I had unfollowed after I saw the surgeon and I felt about 10kgs lighter in just doing that. I didn’t realise at the time just how down/depressed I had been about the surgery but the minute I decided not to have it, I cried and cried and cried with relief.

I’m going to continue seeing the dietician the surgeon referred me to. I think it will be helpful to have someone to be accountable to. I never thought I’d say that about a dietician. I’d had a bad experience with a dietician the only other time I tried it (about 20 years ago) and was dreading going but he was great and for the first time I can see the benefit of working with a dietician so I’m excited about that. My next appointment is in a couple of days and I’m going to talk to him about weaning myself off this Optifast crap and back into my clean eating lifestyle. I know that the weightless is going to be slower again and I know that’s normal. It will be hard to see after seeing the weight come off so quickly for the last few weeks but I’m prepared for that. And I know I feel a whole lot happier doing what’s right for me.

I feel the need to point out that while I don’t think weight loss surgery is right for me, that doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing for someone else. I’ve seen enough people experience it to know it’s not the ‘easy’ way out that some people think it is. The weight might come off quickly but it’s still hard. And ultimately you still have to eat right or it won’t be a permanent solution. If you want to do it, more power to ya. I just can’t. Not now anyway and I’m more than ok with that.

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