130.05 And Angry

130 is going to torture me forever or so it seems. I'm angry at myself because even though it was within my kj allowance for the day I ate a piece of my son's birthday cake. As I said, it was within my kj allowance and it was a VERY small piece but I'm still pissed at myself for giving in to temptation. Even more pissed that the small amount of sugar I consumed last night has me craving it today. It's been so long since I've craved carbs. I should have known what I was doing to myself. Lesson learned. I hope.

I'm starting to feel like in order to have the strength to do this I'm going to have to become completely selfish. Which turns me into a bitch of epic proportions which is not something I want to be. But it's so fucking hard to watch Dan sit in the lounge room and drink beers when I all I want is to join him. And it's so fucking hard to go out to dinner last night and watch everyone else stuff their faces with deliciously kilojoule laden food while I sit there and nibble on my tiny bit of steak and non starchy vegetables.

I exercised this morning but for the first time in ages I really didn't feel like it. I walked to the cow paddock to feed them this afternoon when all I really wanted to do was take the quad. I guess I should really lighten up and be impressed with myself for making those couple of right choices when the truth is right before we left I stuck my finger in the cake in the fridge and swiped some cream off the top and I am nothing but angry at myself. I've never even really been a sweet tooth but sitting in the fridge in all it's spongy creamy gloriousness while I'm in such a funk today is a dangerous thing.

I can't have this shit in the house. At all. Ever. Most days it's easy to resist but you never know when a day like today is going to sneak up and all hell will break loose. I'm bored, angry and sad (probably pre-menstrual) and everything I used to use as a crutch to make myself feel better is now off limits. I'm stuck in a shed with one teenager who I can't stand to be around right now, one eight year old who has been  defiant little brat all day and a partner who is 100% supportive in spirit but will never understand how hard this is for me. And I don't want to be around anyone on a day like today. I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere and come out when I'm feeling stronger.

On the flip side this morning before I let the funk consume me I made this BBQ sauce. Trust me, it's amazing.

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I also made my fist ever jar of sauerkraut using a recipe in Irena Macri's Eat Drink Paleo Cookbook. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

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